Bossfidence is a blog about empowering women, but what happens when you feel like a woman who has lost her power? That made you feel vulnerable, weak, to blame, etc. This is something that is rarely discussed in the #BossBabe community because we are never supposed to let anyone see the raw side of the coin. We are motivated to push past our personal feelings, shine bright for Instagram, sound bubbly and positive on Twitter and Facebook and smile for SnapChat. But, we all have personal lives that are not always peachy and perfect. I am going to get vulnerable for a minute and let you into my life and something I recently have struggled with. Miscarriage.
On July 21, my husband Brian and I found out that we were having a baby. It wasn’t the most planned circumstance but we were over the moon excited to be parents. After 8 months of marriage, almost 5 years of being together, God blessed us with the most precious gift. It was one of those instances where you are so excited, nervous, anxious, and scared all at the same time. As most women do, I immediately nixed my coffee drinking habit and my love for wine Wednesday’s went right out the window. I did everything “right” according to the book (of course that I rushed out to get as soon as I confirmed at the doctors office). We even threw a party to tell our family and closest friends! We biscuit bar for a “bun in the oven” pun.
We had a routine ultrasound to confirm heart beat, growth progression and to confirm exactly how many weeks I was. However instead of seeing our littlest loves heartbeat we got a heartbreak instead. We were told that our baby was no longer developing and did not have a heartbeat. We were absolutely devastated. I had so many emotions rushing through me and of course the self blame that I did something wrong, that it was all my fault, that maybe I didn’t do enough walking or eat healthy enough. Of course, I kept faith that maybe it was just too soon to tell. I continued to get blood tests to track my hCG levels, make sure that they rose and not fell and of course a follow up ultrasound a week later to see if there was any growth or heartbeat.
According to the doctors, I am experiencing a missed miscarriage where my hCG levels continue to rise as if I have a viable pregnancy however, the baby is not developing and my body is not recognizing that. According to statistics, only 1% of pregnancies result in a missed miscarriage. How did I get so lucky to be part of this 1% of women? Not only that but 1 in every 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage! As a woman who is an advocate for female empowerment, how did I not know this statistic? How did I not know that this many women go through what I am going through? Of course I know of a handful of friends and family who have experienced this but to think that every time I walk down the street, 20% of the child bearing age women I know have experienced a heartbreak. This is the reason why I decided to come forward with my story because I feel that as a female empowerment advocate that I need to represent the unspoken statistic of women who experience miscarriage.
We lost our baby at 6 weeks and 4 days, but I carried him/her until 8 weeks 5 days. It doesn’t matter how long or short you are a parent, you still are a parent and any loss is never something that can be taken lightly. While we mourn our loss, we aren’t giving up hope at having another baby! I plan to work closely with my doctor to have a healthy and successful pregnancy and we are looking forward to hopefully meeting our Rainbow baby one day soon.
In September, I was planning on launching “Raising Bossfidence”, a Bossfidence subsection for Millennial Mama’s who are complete bosses at life and business. With this loss, the project has been postponed, however, if you or someone you know would be interested in becoming a contributor to “Raising Bossfidence” please submit a request to: firstname.lastname@example.org.